Atomic Blonde is an absolute garbage film, there I said it, and I am still in disbelief that websites like Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB have it ranked somewhere the C+ range for movies. I mean this movie really sucked, it sucks so hard that I actually forgot I saw it two weeks ago. I only remember seeing it because I was looking online for a movie to maybe go see this weekend and saw that it was playing.

I liken watching Atomic Blonde to forgotten childhood trauma, it is so painful to watch that you black the entire experience from memory, only to come back after years of therapy or in my case surfing the internet for things to do. I literally repressed the memory of seeing this movie from my brain  up until a few minutes before I decided to write this.

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Here I’ll save you the trouble. The best part of this movie.

Attempt at dark humor aside, the movie’s only redeeming quality was the fucking soundtrack, and one 15 minute action scene. The rest of the film was utter garbage. Despite the soundtrack being a pretty dope mixtape of my very favorite 80s music, it does little for the story, and soundtrack alone cannot carry this movie, especially since Baby Driver was so innovative with it’s use of music.

 

I had high hopes, mainly because John Wick, which was also directed by David Leitch, was so damn entertaining. Nope, sorry. This movie is filled with  good actors: James McAvoy, John Goodman and other familiar faces you’d recognize. Literally, the movie’s star Charlize Theron is an Oscar winner, but she is the absolute worst in this film.

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Cardboard… oh never mind

Theron struggles to act her way through this movie, which is a real punishment for the viewer because she plays the “Atomic Blonde.” I felt like her acting was intended to be an imitation of Keanu Reeves in John Wick, the only problem is that the soft spoken cardboard human that murders people is basically who Keanu is in real life (minus the murder). You can’t Keanu the Keanu.

 

The story makes no sense, and I never once got the impression that was intentional. I can only describe it as Theron’s character being a triple agent doing some sort of spy stuff, which is about as confusing as the fucking affected accent she uses throughout the film. Is she speaking with British, American or a South African accent? I couldn’t figure it out.

Then there is the strange lesbian sex scene, I love lesbians and I love sex, but really couldn’t figure out how it tied into the movie. Is this movie supposed to be a progressive female take on the action genre, or is it meant to titillate the male viewer by giving him uncomfortable boners inside the movie theater.

Sitting in the theater, I remember thinking to myself, “I want to leave.” I didn’t leave because I quite literally had nothing else to do that evening. I was staying in an apartment that lacked furniture, cable, internet or food. Essentially, I was camping on a floor, and the person living there was moving out at the very end of the weekend.

Now that I am remembering this film I can only hope that someone or something deals me a closed head injury, then and only then I might be able to completely forget I ever saw the Atomic Blonde.

crayon_homero

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