Vampires and The Jersey Shore

I wrote this story in 2014, and despite it only being about two-years old, it feels dated to me already. The concept was funny enough to me. What would happen if a vampire was cast for the show The Jersey Shore? A show that I sorta loathed at the time.

I like the idea enough, but after re-reading the story on more then one occasion I realized that this couldn’t just be edited, it needed a re-write. I suppose it was laziness that prevented me from ever doing the re-write. Now, I am finally tackling the project, what is posted here is actually the first draft of the story.

I hope to next week to follow up with the new re-written version. If I’m feeling like an over achiever you might also get the next story from the book as well.


“The big reveal of season 20 of the mega popular reality television show The Jersey Score was that handsome lothario, Tony was in fact a 200-year-old vampire hailing from the island of Sicily. The bloodsucker revealed his morbid past after becoming noticeably uncomfortable when spray-tanned slut, Shamwow decided to go vegan and disposed of all the red meat in the house.

    After brutally raping Shamwow on set he had to be talked down by the other male cast members to prevent him from  dismembering her body with his supernatural strength. Tony who claims to be a lover and not a bloodthirsty masochist bent on worshipping Satan looked noticeably embarrassed by the incident. Shamwow despite having undergone the painful public sodomy on camera did not file charges. Media exposure received by the episode has boosted ratings for the show that until recently had been in decline. “

    – The Hollywood Scandal

I grew up in Sicily where my father was a wealthy estate owner who could provide his family with just about anything they could ever desire. He had five sons and three daughters and I was the youngest. With the money and political connections that my father had acquired throughout the island as well as Europe, us men were given a privileged life that was untouched by wars with the Germans, French and the mainland.

I lived what would be considered a fast life for someone living in the 1800s. A stable of horses and a number of female household employees to keep me occupied in my young adult life. When I was 25-years-old while visiting a brothel in the south of France I received the mark of Satan in the form of two small bites given to me by a whore name Margót. At first I thought the woman was being quite feisty but on second inspection and a fever that caused hallucinations I had realized what had happened. Three days later I found myself locked away in a box under the earth. I was mistaken for dead and buried as any common corpse would be.

Upon freeing myself from the earth I frightened my family with my disheveled and soiled appearance. My mother went into shock after seeing her now undead son standing in front of her in complete confusion about his current situation. She fainted and in her weakened state I got my first taste of blood. I drained my mother of her life force allowing her to take my place so that I might live.

The murder of my mother  is by far my biggest regret, and despite the forgiveness of my family who shielded me and hid me from the world, I could hardly live with myself. I left the family estate to roam the world eventually finding myself two-centuries later living in New Jersey.

I suppose first thing I should cover is what made me settle here in New Jersey despite the constant lampooning of this fine state. I came here for one thing and one thing only and that is too fucking rage. I was considered a fucking party animal in 19th Century, but god damn it in the 21st  I’m a motherfuckin monster. It’s all about the clubs, girls, and drinking 1,500 beers so I can get my buzz on. I snort Tony Soprano levels of coke and am hella rich so I can afford it.

I need to get some shit out of the way though when it comes to vampires. We will not burst into flames if we see the sun. It irritates our skin and is really more of an allergy. I stay out of it as often as I can and resort to spray on tanner to get my brown on. Also, I’m not a shape shifter or anything like that and I’m not inherently murderous either. Sure I’ve killed a few people here and there but it’s pretty rare for me to want to tear someone limb from limb. I’ve spent 200-years learning to control my anger and channeling it into more positive things.

Also, we don’t all love pussy either but if you are like a good ass bang you are probably more likely to get converted. God knows I’ve had decades where I tapped the same fat ass just because I didn’t want it getting saggy. I was given my gifts from a forgotten dark god who was abandoned by his kind and banished to the darkness. Some people would call him Satan but I’m not really religious so you won’t find me praying to that emo-bitch.

The coven that I came from has since disbanded nearly 120-years-ago or so but I still keep in touch with some of them mooks. When I told them I got casted to be on The Jersey Score they didn’t act too surprised. I was always raging harder than the rest of my undead buddies and in their words, “I liked gaudy clothing.” Well I’ve never seen a hipster get any pussy at the club but for me wearing my black MMA wannabe shirt and gold chain the ladies are always hanging off my nuts.

The reason I’m even on the show is because of my reputation here on the shore. I got a rep for being the hardest partier out there. I’ve been doing it big ever since I got here and finally they made a show about the people like me– I do cocaine bitch!

It took the cast and crew awhile to figure out that I was a supernatural being. They just thought I was lazy dude who slept all day and didn’t eat a lot of vegetables. Of course that all changed after that skank decided to go vegan. If there is one thing that really irks me it is those god damn veggiefiles.

There was seven of us on season 20: Me (Tony), Shamwow (veggie skank), Fookme (big boobed hobbit), In-credible (dyslexic meat head), Showtime (shorter illiterate meathead) and then two people that were forgotten about halfway through the season and eventually taken off the show. I really have a hard time remembering the other two cast members names, but one guy I always referred to as Italian Jake Busey because of his hideous smile and then there was a  girl that was just referred to as The Nice One. The Nice One really didn’t fit in because she wasn’t really skanky, but she was friends with Shamwow and managed to secure her spot on the show.

I generally try to avoid going out in the daytime but the first episode that was filmed was us moving into a community house where we would all live with one another for the next eight-months. I brought along my stuff which was mostly clothes, hair products and jewelry. I didn’t require much during the day since I planned on being asleep. After the move we were all treated to a large brunch by the network where we met one another. Instantly, there was tension. The women were mostly concerned about who looked the best and their overall sexiness factor. The men on the other hand felt threatened by each other’s physique and who was going to be the alpha-male of the group. I on the other hand was calm, cool and collected. I’ve lived amongst humans for over 200-years and as long as I can get a bite here or there to eat  I am completely fine.

Despite the noticeable discomfort amongst the cast during the brunch we were arguement free. It wasn’t until later that night before going out to our first club that the drama began. It started with Fookme and Shamwow arguing over a man they had both recently fucked. The argument was fairly harmless for the most part and eventually evolved into a conversation regarding deep throating skills and who has the tightest asshole. The men sat back and watched but paid little attention. Instead the three steroided meatheads In-credible, Showtime and Italian Jake Busey had a conversation about muscle hypertrophy and the best injection points for taking anabolic steroids.

I’m an immortal 25-year-old with a constant hard on who is incapable of catching an STD. I found the argument between the two big-titted and big haired hussies slightly arousing. I coerced the two women to come upstairs to my bedroom so that they could settle the argument fair and square. Having taken them both from behind that evening as well as having my cock sucked I declared the competition a draw. The two eager idiots seemed let down by the fact that they were equally matched to be America’s Next Top Whore.

After my three-way love screw session I walked back downstairs to the living room to witness the three men wearing nothing but their underwear. They seemed hardly ashamed by the homoerotic gesture as they engaged in a three-way bodybuilding pose off. They asked for my opinion on who was the most ripped but I declined to answer.

I went to the fridge looking to get a little buzz going before we hit the club. The fridge was stacked with beer and various forms of alcohol were in the kitchen. I consumed about 120 beers that had been supplied by MTV and finished 14 bottles of liquor. It should have been enough to kill a man and was intended to last us for at least the next two weeks. I felt nothing and was mildly disappointed, but was still ready to hit the club to dance and get more poontang.

We began filming the show around college Spring Break which is always a glorious time for someone like me. I’ve developed a reputation over the years with some of the local women mostly that I bite and I don’t callback. However, at this time of year there are fresh new faces for me to wave my dick at. Girls that I’ve never met and will never meet again.

The whole cast went to a new up-and-coming nightclub called Club Facial. I had been there previously and had already had a reputation. The bouncer at the door had been advised to not let me in. Club owner and retired porno star, Tonya Groundbeef recently had  a divorce with her husband and sometimes manager,  Stanley Schwartz after being caught having sex with me in the back room. She still hadn’t forgiven me for wrecking her marriage. It took a bit of coercion from network reps and about $500 to let me in.

Once inside I went to work ordering drinks for me and whatever little tart happened to be in my line of sight at the moment. Even as a vampire there was still a little bit of seduction required to get a girl into bed. I can’t control minds like people tend to think about my kind. However, being immortal gives you a lot of time learning how to read people. That and a baggie full of cocaine or ecstasy, college kids love drugs and I love to give it to them.

As I was taking in my surroundings and trying to pick out who I would woo I casually observed what my other cast members were doing. Fookme and Shamwow were off to the races grinding up on anything that could provide itch relief for their pussy and crabs. The men were once again insecurely having another competition and this time it had been an impromptu push-up contest in the middle of the dance floor. If these assholes got laid I couldn’t tell since they seemed way too concerned about one another. As for The Nice One I couldn’t tell you and neither could the film crew. She was utterly forgettable and was probably off somewhere reading from the Bible.

The girl I selected was a 19-year-old Texas bimbo with a fake I.D. and a pair of all natural C cup breasts. She was just my type blonde and inebriated. I sat through a conversation about her taking her top off for Joe Francis (creator of Girls Gone Wild) and how she couldn’t wait to tell her family how famous she was going to be. I imagine she’d be re-thinking the decision to expose herself on camera once she sobered up, but I wasn’t here to play therapist. I ordered her two more vodka and tonics and invited her back to the van where the camera crew kept their equipment.

I plowed into her barely legal pussy with a fury, followed by a large stringy load across her abdomen. Afterwards, I bit into her neck masking it as a sensual kiss and post-coital make out session. The girl later tried to sue me and MTV for taking advantage of her in her drunken state. Stating that I had raped her but thanks to a few pieces of paperwork she hastily signed that evening we were in the clear.

After plowing my Southern belle it was about time to go home. The clubs were closing and the party was about over. We all went home and I went to bed. The next morning I stayed sleeping not really wishing to be out and about in the sun. My skin was very sensitive and I generally didn’t think it would be very fun to partake in the amusing challenges the show producers had set up for us. Everyone else assumed I had just been too hung over but in reality there was nothing less exciting than taking orders at a sandwich shop so that some mook on the other side of the country can laugh at me.

The evening was almost an exact repeat of the one previously with the women being uber-skanks and the men engaging in some sort of physical competition to see who had the biggest dick. This continued for about the next several weeks. I avoided the daytime and at night we all went out got wasted and I hooked up with girls. I think it was about week seven when it sort of got weird. Not weird in the sense that everyone realized I was a bloodsucking vampire, but weird in the sense that members of the show just sort of disappeared. It was fairly obvious why The Nice One was gone. As for Italian Jake Busey the rumor had been that he was an undercover queer who had thing for the show tunes.

Now there was only the five of us and the dynamic of the show really hadn’t changed all that much. Life continued on and I tried my best to avoid these silly daytime challenges that everyone else was partaking in. It added an air of mystique to my character, but eventually the producers came down on me hard. It was in my contract that I would do these asinine challenges. Just because I wore Jesus pieces and used more brillo than your grandfather didn’t mean I was fucking stupid. In fact having lived as long as I had you tend to become just the opposite. I knew these challenges were meant to provide humor to the viewers at our expense.

I wasn’t sure if the rest of the cast was really that dumb and unaware of what was going on or were just greedy as fuck. I suppose it was a little bit of both and I being the arrogant one had also signed up to be a member of the show well aware of what it was. The first challenge I participated in resulted in me murdering a small Chinese woman off camera. Lets just say that for some reason the producers thought it would be funny to have all the men get their chest, back and asses waxed. It wasn’t really the woman’s fault since it wasn’t her idea. However, the woman had been the technician who removed the hair from my body. I liked being hairless but I was more of a fan of the shaving method. Anyways, I was never caught for the murder– no fingerprints bitch!

My diet is fairly obvious and is pretty much the usual standard fare: blood, pussy, and some sort of raw meat. I had been arguing with Shamwow since day one of the show over my diet. The other guys on the show were all carnivores, but I was the only one who didn’t bother to toss my meat on the grill before consuming. She was generally disgusted by the bloody mess I’d eat every evening. The producers also mentioned to me that maybe I could at least brown it so it didn’t look so gross. This was one thing I would not budge on though. They could get me to participate in their idiotic challenges, but when it came to my diet I wouldn’t change.

The rest of the group wasn’t aware of my vampiric blood sucker side (something I try to keep on the down low) but they could definitely detect something was off. I don’t think that big titted tease was really a vegan, rather I think it was in response to my meat eating tendencies. Throwing all the food away was her just trying to piss me off. It definitely made me angry especially since I took the time to go hunt a few rabbits for dinner in the late afternoon. I hardly ever wake up before 8:00 p.m. but I got up early for those damn things.

The way I reacted wasn’t probably the most rational and after the whole rape and sodomy thing I had to let the cat out of the bag. When I had finally cooled down I explained to all the people involved with the show that I was a vampire and I would die if I went without blood. This of course this took some convincing and the first thing In-credible asked me was, “How much you bench bro?”

This question prompted an unexpected bench press contest between The In-Credible, Showtime and myself. I benched 710-pounds and could have done more but we ran out of weights in the house. Me coming out about my undead past was great for ratings, but everyone else on the show acted weird around me afterwards. In the short term it had little effect on how much pussy I got at the club. However, after the shows airing people knew exactly who I was and what I was. It tended to be a little harder to get girls to go home with me unless they were super drunk or if I slipped them a roofline.

I did a few talk shows as well to discuss “my condition” and for the most part media attention was a bit negative for a time. People coming forward saying I bit them, raped them and murdered their cousin. There was probably some truth to  the claims being tossed at me. There were a few goth hookers that wanted to meet up with me though. They were hoping to be my undead bride or something. I wasn’t much of the converting type though so I passed on those pasty-fatsos– go on a diet and stop shopping at Hot Topic Bitch!

When it came time for season 21 of the Jersey Shore I was asked back and I agreed. The cast was the same with the exception of two new forgettable faces. This year’s losers were young Italian Clint Howard and The Black One. Producers were trying to mix things up by adding some ethnicity to the show. However, The Black One apparently had a warrant for her arrest and was thrown in jail like one month after shooting. Urban populations were pretty offended that MTV had casted a former crack-cocaine dealer as black representation for the show. BET tried to do a rip-off show that year starring Kevin Hart and Béyonce wannabes. The show was met with protest from their audience when they casted a reformed-KKK member as The White One. The White One was promptly murdered after the airing of the first episode.

Things were getting crazy. Everyone was trying to add a twist to their reality T.V. show trying to up their game and it was getting frustrating. Somewhere during the season MTV cast a female to take the role of The Black One. The woman who replaced her was a woman named Maggie and she wasn’t even Italian American… or Black. She was some French feminist who looked vaguely familiar to me.

Maggie had been a freak and was my rival when it came to bedding members of the opposite sex. We were in constant competition on who could fuck the most people. She was beating me by three or four fucks. Understandably, I was starting to fall for this girl. There was something about her that was so attractive. She was a fuck-machine but also partied hard and had a tolerance for booze that seemed almost vampiric. Turns out though she was a vampire which explains why she could go shot for shot with just about anyone on the show and not be hungover. It happened that Maggie was actually Margót the French whore who turned me.

It was completely by accident that MTV casted another vampire to the show. In fact I wasn’t even really aware besides the vague familiarity that I sensed when I first met or re-met her. The only way I found out is that I walked in on her decapitating some frat boy who she had just got finished fucking. His head came clean off along with the spine it was attached too like some Mortal Kombat shit–fatality bitch! It was in that moment that I realized just who she was and it gave me a fucking boner. After, me witnessing that we hooked up and I did what I hardly ever do to girls,  I chowed down on her brown round… I went ass to mouth. This chick was seriously hot and we were reunited and it felt so good.

Season 21 was the last season of the show and it never was completed. About three-quarters of the show was filmed but it ended after Maggie went ham and murdered Shamwow on set. I couldn’t have been happier that this bitch was dead although Maggie was a noticeably more violent vampire than myself. Not wanting to waste good food Maggie drank the blood of Shamwow right in the middle of the living room. The whole thing was filmed and soon enough everyone was aware that I wasn’t the only vampire on staff.

The hammer came down on us and like every other terrible reality T.V. show before this one we were faced with a group judgement session to decide if we should be banished from the house. The decision was unanimous though and we were voted off. In a violent rage Maggie started killing the cast and the crew of the show and I maybe took part in the ensuing massacre as well. By the end of it no one was left alive.

The two of us took to the road and we have basically became the vampiric version of Bonnie & Clyde or for the Gen-X crowd Ricky & Mallory. We sort of drive where we want and commit any crime or murder that we see fit. I’m not always super hip on the death thing, but Maggie has sort of been helping me get over this weird hang up I have. She tells me that I don’t like murdering people because I have a psychological issue stemming from the death of my mother. It sounded plausible and I wasn’t about to disagree with a PhD in psychology who has had sex with both Freud and Jung.

Anyways, we’re on the road again and we’ve been doing our own show guerilla style. We are putting it on Youtube and it is basically us clowning and being goofy like only vampires know how to do.

“The vampiric duo Maggie and Tony are at it again and this time they have murdered a whole town of people in Maine.

The body count numbers around 500 and included the death of prominent horror authors Stephen King, Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyers who happened to be in town at King’s request. The threesome were touring together as part of a lecture series on writing horror and most particularly vampires.

Maggie and Tony followed up the wake up their destruction with a series of Youtube clips joking about the mass rape, torture and murders that they committed. There whereabouts are unknown and the F.B.I. has warned anyone who might encounter the blood sucking duo to steer clear of them.”

–The Hollywood Scandal

The End.


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