This is my first blog post on my website. It is the introduction taken from my book “Dark, Dirty, and Immature: Short Stories Not Meant for Grandma.” Like this whole website the version of these documents are in their raw form; meaning that they may or may not need editing, are in their first edit and etc. On occasion I may re-release the same material as it gets updated, edited further or re-written entirely.
One note about this introduction and possible future stories. I tend to write in AP style, which is the writing style used by most newspapers. We don’t really use Oxford commas, which can be kind of weird sometimes, I am trying to go through these stories though and make sure to add them when needed. Other odd style choices may be a result of my professional training.
I’m trying to think about how to write this introduction. The book you hold in your hands is sorta a labor of love born out of boredom, confusion and online dating.
At the end of 2013 I finally moved out of my mom’s house. I was 25-years-old and I had just experienced the worst year of my life. My aunt had died, my father had died, attended another four or five funerals for my then girlfriend’s family and then got broken up with, and a good friend committed suicide. I moved to a place in Michigan I had never been to and had no friends in order to become a reporter for a newspaper. The town was ultra conservative, religious, and I was a small town celebrity who spent most of his waking hours interviewing the locals.
I was bored, and I started to do online dating to get over a girl I had been in love with to simply pass the time. It was a highly stressful moment in my life and I eventually wound up meeting and dating someone that I had met through the dating app Tinder. It was a frustrating six-months to say the least that resulted in weird sex experiments involving me not masturbating or watching porn, barely having sex with the person I was dating, and not really even being sure if I was dating that person at all.
A friend of mine was determined to start some sort of online writers group and I agreed to take part. I was trying to get a short story sold to a website, but was declined due to it not fitting the format of the site. Despite not getting the story published it was fun writing in this shorter format. The story itself wasn’t really super dark or even intended to be humorous unlike many of the ones in this collection. It was just a novel exercise that helped to kill time at work.
I decided to start submitting stuff to the group mainly as a way to continue practicing my writing and as a type of therapy. The stories were hyper sexual and intended to be humorous in nature. Most, but not all, of these stories were born out of sexual frustration with a partner and a lack of blowing my load on a regular basis. It was therapy, but most of the stories are probably gross; although probably 80-percent of them are intended to make the reader laugh. That is assuming the reader has a dark and disturbed sense of humor.
The first story I submitted to the group was called “Jesus Christ Sex Machine” and is included in this collection. It tells a story about the lord and savior coming back to earth only to spread the word of god with his semen and a number one rated reality T.V. show. The story was written for my friend Matt (the guy who started the writers group) since he was a vocal atheist and anarchist. I figured it was a ridiculous premise that would bring a smile to his face.
I doubt this book will reach the hands of anyone other than a few friends and maybe some family, but I forewarn that the content is not for more sensitive types.
A lot of the writing in this book is influenced by Chuck Palahniuk, he has a sort of fast kinetic style of writing, a master of weird premises, and sometimes writes in first person narratives.
Another author I would really say that was influential is comic book writer Mark Millar. He also has a fast paced style and is an ideas man more than anything else. It isn’t always so much the words that makes his comics good, but rather the interesting ideas he has, and the worlds that they create. Kick-Ass, Wanted, and Old Man Logan these are just a few of his works that I found were really just cool ideas for stories.
I’m not really sure if people will see the similarities to their writing and my own, but in my mind Palahniuk and Millar have the same creative spirit and weird/dark sense of humor.
Anyways I am really grateful that you are reading my book and I hope you find it enjoyable. Maybe, I gave you a copy of this for free or maybe you actually bought it, but either way thanks.